By Dawn K. Angelich
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Fresno, California
559.431.5276

Throughout biblical history, there are those who have sought counsel and those who have given counsel. The first counseling relationship dates back to the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve chose not to follow the counsel of God. Free choice has existed since the beginning of time. The following tips can enhance the counseling relationship.

Don’t foster dependence; do foster interdependence.
The ultimate goal of Christian counseling is to increase the client’s dependence upon God, not man. Counselors can often be tempted to assume responsibility for the outcome of the presenting dilemma. An over-responsible counselor can unknowingly cripple a client’s growth by fostering an unhealthy dependence that resembles a parent-child relationship. Meeting every need and answering every request is a sure way to burnout. Learning to assist those in need without controlling the counseling process is a masterful art.

The analogy of the relationship between a pilot and co-pilot may serve as a model for healthy interdependence. The pilot is the one who flies the plane and is responsible for reaching the planned destination. The journey may include unexpected delays, turbulence and rerouting. The co-pilot serves to assist the pilot when asked for feedback and support, not to sit in the captain’s chair. A client will encounter personal growth when he or she senses the healing journey is truly their own path. As counselors and co-pilots, our job is to stay in the second chair!

Don’t force the format; do follow the client.
King Solomon understood that timing was a key ingredient for wise counsel. In the Book of Proverbs he states: “A man has joy in an apt answer, and how delightful is a timely word” (Proverbs 15:23); “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer” (Proverbs 15:28a); and “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances” (Proverbs 25:11).

Effective counseling involves following the lead of the client. Although it might be quite obvious to the counselor how to resolve the client’s problem, responding effectively to their dilemma requires both counselor reflection and client readiness.

A common mistake is to respond too soon with recommendations before making a thorough assessment. This mistake is often made when counseling clinically depressed clients. Giving homework and prescriptions for prayer to a depressed client is like leading them to quicksand. Most likely, they have already tried what has been suggested, and nothing has worked. After observing their affect and identifying their physical and emotional symptoms, it would be prudent to recommend a medical evaluation for possible medication. This is often the first step out of the sink-hole. Learning to walk alongside the client at their own pace is as important as getting to the end of the path. After they are medically stabilized, they have the ability to internalize the discoveries of grace and truth along the way. Their built-up endurance can then serve as a foundation throughout the problem-solving process.

Don’t focus on conformity; do focus on congruency.
Admonishing clients to biblical behavior without a significant change of heart and mind leads to a pattern of performance for the pastor, church, spouse or friends. Masking a discrepancy between the “public” self and the “private” self takes an incredible amount of energy and is a sure route to severe anxiety and/or depression. Stopping a behavior is one thing, but permanently changing the behavior is another.

Hidden addictions, affairs and other damaging behaviors continue to escalate within the Christian community and, unfortunately, are on the rise with those in vocational ministry. Layers and layers of shame often keep Christians from disclosing their secret(s). Some would rather maintain a reputation of deception than lose their public standing within the church. Subtly, an appearance of godliness and performance becomes more important than matters of the heart. The role of an effective counselor is to mirror that discrepancy in a non-shaming manner and invite the client to a life of congruency. As the client learns to identify and manage their issues that have been buried underneath secretive behavior, it is probable they will be able to stay on the path of recovery. King David put it well in Psalm 32:5 “I acknowledged my sin to Thee, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin.” May the pastoral counselor be one of God’s healing agents who provides hope and forgiveness to those caught in the bondage of secrets.

Don’t forget your limits; do further your resources.
Pastors who spend significant time counseling are susceptible to acquiring “compassion fatigue” and in some cases, the condition of ministerial burnout. In Exodus 18:17-23, Moses is on the brink of burnout when his father-in-law Jethro reminds him of his limitations as a counselor and admonishes him to select a number of leaders to share his counseling load.

Today’s pastor does not always have the luxury of selecting additional staff or lay leadership who are equipped to counsel. Where can he turn? Who is available to lighten the load? Taking time to identify people within the congregation who have the gifts of exhortation and mercy can be a preliminary step to building a counseling resource team. Once those individuals have been identified, they can be challenged to receive adequate training to begin a counseling ministry. Trained lay counselors are then equipped to assist the pastor and recognize when professional therapy may be necessary. Learning to utilize community resources such as 12-step programs, grief support groups and parenting classes, along with networking with other church ministries can truly benefit the entire body of Christ.

Pastoral counselors especially need to guard their time for personal renewal and fellowship with family and friends. Furthering your resources will further the ministry!