During my life I’ve had many heartaches. God was my comfort during my son’s many surgeries, my divorce, and my daughter’s drug addiction. But there was one hole (heartache) in my life I kept buried, that I didn’t want to face. I didn’t think God was there during that time.

That was 30 years ago when I committed the sin of abortion. I felt lonely, depressed, and didn’t have support. That still didn’t excuse having the abortion. I wanted someone to help me, but felt trapped in a bad situation. I knew and know that abortion was wrong.

God forgave me, but the insecurities of that experience have been crippling. It caused me to be depressed and anxious. It has been a stronghold in my life that Satan has used to tell me I’m unworthy. I had built walls of protection because of the shame. I could never talk about it, because I knew no one would like me.         

I never forgave myself. Six years ago God showed me I needed to reopen that wound to have complete healing. God’s love allowed me to forgive myself; His grace and mercy helped me to take away the guilt and shame. It still takes God’s strength for me to talk about it. One problem was that my guilt had kept me from grieving the loss of my child. I finally was able to cry for my child and even gave her a name so I could mourn. Two scriptures that helped were Isaiah 61:1-3 and Psalm 40:1-3. Christ fulfilled this promise. Christ brings gladness instead of mourning.         

When I read the book, 40 Days of Purpose, God revealed how He uses circumstances in our lives to minister to others. The Holy Spirit brought back to mind the abortion and how women need healing over this, including me. I turned to a crisis pregnancy center, and now co-lead a post-abortion ministry. The book that has helped many women and me is Her Choice to Heal by Sydna Masse and Joan Phillips.      

I am grateful that God has taken my sin and turned it into a tool for His own compassionate use.